The Jurassic Park Uniform

I FINALLY completed it. It has taken 4 months from conception to completion for the project to be finished, partly because I majorly changed some things. You see, the uniform in the movie was pink. However, I look awful in pink, so I went with a more logo-matching red. Also please note that my camera slightly screwed up the colors of this picture–in real-life, uniform is actually bright red, not orange-red like it looks in the picture. The hardest part of the uniform was finding the hat, although with enough searching I found an Amazon.com seller who is also selling the correct hats for the other two uniforms (blue for the pilot and green for the veterinarian). Here’s their shop in case you’re thinking of doing this project too (even if you go with a movie-correct pink shirt, the hat is still red so this item still works): Blank Khaki / Red Cap.

Also I took the liberty of editing out my name and face from the ID badge, so you’ll just have to take my word for it: I have cropped a picture of me into the badge and put my name under it.

Also, those Ray-Ban Aviators weren’t cheap.

Professional Hacker

It’s official: I’m back in school… community college, that is. The reason? I’ve decided to go for an Associate’s degree in information security.

For those of you with little knowledge of computer terminology, information security is a broad term encompassing a spectrum of careers, including computer forensics, malware analyzer, network security engineer, and system penetration tester. There is a large demand in this field, created by networks getting larger and more complex, and hackers getting smarter.

Part of the reason I wanted to do this is because an Associate’s degree is all that’s needed to break into the field, unlike other careers which can require advanced degrees (in the world of tech jobs, certifications for individual systems are more important than degrees).

But the biggest reason I want to do this is because it is something I enjoy. There’s that old saying, “Do something you love, and you will never work a day in your life.” Computers aren’t just a hobby of mine, they are a passion–a passion that I can turn into paychecks.

Psychic WordPress App

I usually use the WordPress app on my iPad to do blogging, unless I need advanced coding or lots of copy / paste. However, I found this in the “Most Popular Posts” section of the stats window today:

I have no post called “Next Post.” This can only mean one thing: the WordPress app is psychic enough to predict how many people will view my next post, but not psychic enough to predict what the title will be. Also, I’m a bit unimpressed that it predicts only one viewer.

Oh well, maybe soon they’ll invent a coffee maker that is psychic enough to predict when I’ll get up, so that my morning coffee will always be ready for me to gulp down.

Welcome to 2012, We Hope You Enjoy Your Stay

Well, another year down the drain, and that means another year full of stuff I didn’t get done. I’m going to post a list here for my own benefit; a list of things, organized by importance, that I must get done this year.

#1 Defeat the crabgrass in my lawn – I’ve put this off as long as I could, but I think if I put it off any longer, crabgrass will actually make up the majority of my lawn. Time to start Armageddon against my crabgrass.

#2 Figure out how Adobe After Effects works – I’ve been using a copy of Adobe Premiere Pro that’s older than the Earth itself, so I think it’s time I upgrade. Problem is, Adobe After Effects has an intimidating learning curve and a ridiculous price tag. Premiere hasn’t aged well, though (I’m on version 2.0 which is 12 iterations behind the current version), so I think an upgrade is in order.

#3 Self-host this blog – WordPress is nice, but I want more control over this site–like the ability to change fonts–and I refuse to shell out for an upgrade pack. Once I get enough willpower mustered together, I’ll export the site to my home server and bask in the glory of the self-hosted blog.

#4 Fix that dodgy printer – In case you missed it, I blogged about it here. I refuse to be defeated by technology! I WILL work that thing out–if it kills me!

#5 Organize my shed – The storage shed outside my house looks like it was sodomized by a tornado. I’m slightly afraid to go into it, for fear that mutant creatures are lurking in those piles of rubbish. Time to get busy with a broom, a hose, and a Ghostbusters-style Ecto Catcher.

One thing you may have noticed about this list is that it doesn’t contain the usual “work out more,” “eat healthier,” or “recycle more.” That’s because this isn’t a new year’s resolution, it’s just a list of things that I’ve been neglecting for so long, that if I put them off any longer they will become major problems. If you have a similar list, drop me a link in the comments below–I’d love to hear about the stuff you’ve been putting off!

The Irony Mark

Something that is frequently lost in text-based communications (e.g. chats, texts, and even WordPress posts) is sarcasm; so unfortunately for everyone, your clever joke might be misinterpreted by the intended recipient and turn out horribly, horribly wrong. Therefore I propose we re-introduce a lost piece of punctuation: the irony mark.

The irony mark looks like this: ؟

Basically, it’s a backwards questions mark, and indicates sarcasm or irony. Wikipedia has some info about it:

“Although in the written English language there is no standard way to denote irony or sarcasm, several forms of punctuation have been proposed. Among the oldest and frequently attested are the percontation point invented by English printer Henry Denham in the 1580s, and the irony mark, furthered by French poet Alcanter de Brahm in the 19th century.” — Wikipedia

So why isn’t this is common use? I mean, it’s standard Unicode–it wouldn’t take some kind of crazy codec to display it.

I suggest keyboard manufacturers replace the tilde key with a key for the irony mark. I mean seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I used the tilde key.

The Oatmeal vs. FunnyJunk

Watching two copyright holders duke it out on the Internet is usually pretty entertaining. I think of it as a boxing match, with each competitor taking jabs, blocking punches, and occasionally throwing a low blow. Each side also has supporters, who cheer for their favorite contestant and jeer at the rival’s fans.

The latest battle hit close to my heart, though. I’ve always been a big fan of The Oatmeal, and I’ve always hated the air-headed apes who moderate FunnyJunk.

In case you haven’t heard, here’s an article describing what has been happening.

Personally, I’m with The Oatmeal on this one. FunnyJunk makes a living stealing other people’s work, and their admin is about as childish as most of their users. Case in point: he sent the following message to all his users:

That message from the FJ admin reeks of the sentiments of someone who is butt-hurt. The Oatmeal never mentioned suing anyone. All he wanted was proper attribution, or, if that was impossible, having the stolen works taken down.

Of course, the pudding-brained FJ users responded by trolling The Oatmeal’s web site and Facebook page, as if that will help anything.

I feel really bad for The Oatmeal. He doesn’t deserve this. He creates funny comics, and should make money for his creativity, not have it plagiarized by the god-awful garbage depository that is FunnyJunk.

Here’s what The Oatmeal has to say on this subject: Oatmeal Is Not Amused.

Why How To Train Your Dragon Was The Most Well-Done Kid’s Movie Of 2010-2011

Most children are emotionally attached to the movies they grew up watching–myself included. The thing is, kid’s movies have gone downhill lately (just like the rest of the movie industry). I’ve been forced to realize this, as I take my younger (and autistic) cousin to see all the latest kid’s movies. Rio, Despicable Me, Megamind, etc. Usually I pass the time by doodling on a box of candy, mentally balancing my checkbook, or just falling asleep. But one kid’s movie of the past year made me sit up and pay attention. Heck, I was probably more interested in the movie than my cousin. That movie was How to Train Your Dragon.

I went into it thinking that it would be just another kid’s movie (and the advertising campaign didn’t help raise my expectations). But it was far more than that. Here’s why:

The main character had a problem that I could identify with, that of not being “cool” and accepted into society (i.e. a geek). I stopped caring about being uncool a long time ago, but the fact that I could identify with the main character helped pique my interest in the movie.

The movie had deeper meaning than “a kid who’s pet is in danger.” It’s a story of internal struggle as well as external struggle as the main character conquers his fears and apprehensions and learns that not everything he’s been taught is true. And it did this in a way that wasn’t cheesy; it took its time and developed this aspect, rather than just cramming it all into a “moment of truth” like some kid’s movies do.

The humor was timeless, not based on a bunch of pop-culture references like the majority of kid’s movies. Scenes such as the one where Toothless chases around the reflected light of a hammer like a cat chases a laser pointer genuinely made me laugh.

The soundtrack was impressive; this is the only soundtrack to a kid’s movie I’ve ever bought on its own.

The ending was uncertain (and not entirely happy). This is something that almost never happens, but really contributes to the memorability of a movie. When Hiccup and Toothless were falling in slow-motion into an explosion, I genuinely wasn’t sure whether or not they’d make it out. If this were any other movie, I’d be thinking, “Hurry up and skip the drama, I know they’ll be fine,” but not this movie. Something just made it uncertain (for me anyway). I thought that maybe it would be the next Bambi or Lion King–that someone would actually die. That didn’t happen, but the main character still lost one of his legs (eagle-eyed viewers will notice that the leg Hiccup lost was on the same side that Toothless lost part of his tail). So yeah, the ending might have been “happy,” but still resulted in the main character being mamed for life. This added unpredictability to the movie, which is part of the reason I liked it as much as I did. It also made the reliance of Toothless on Hiccup and vice versa more solid.

Overall, I was impressed by the quality of this kid’s movie. This movie came right as I was starting to believe that talent in writing kid’s movies was gone forever. I still believe that for the most part, kid’s movies nowadays suck. But this movie rose above that sea of mediocrity and shined. Yes, this movie had balls, something I can’t say about most recent kid’s movies.

How To Make An Insanely Popular Techno Song

Being kind of “stuck in the past,” my music of choice is old prog-rock bands like Kansas, Yes, King Crimson, and Pink Floyd. A friend of mine is really into rave techno and dance music though, so he tried to get me into it too. After listening to rave for a combined 3 hours, I think I found the formula to make an insanely popular rave techno song. Here’s how it works:

First, choose a riff (preferably 6 notes) and set it at a ridiculously high tempo. Then repeat that same riff for 5 – 7 minutes.

Next, get a baseline that is even simpler (preferably 4 notes) and have it come in about a minute into the song. Then have that riff stick around for a while. Minutes 2 – 4 should be the same riff repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Thirdly, choose a drum riff that is so sporadic that it obviously could never be played live by a real human ever.

Then, about 4 minutes into the song, have all the riffs and everything stop, to be replaced by some 4 chord synth-chorus making “Ohh Ahh” sounds.

After that has dragged on for too long, have the riffs you recorded earlier slowly fade back in, beginning with the baseline and proceeding up to the main riff.

Also be sure that there is an annoying fake crowd in the background making fake cheers and claps. This creates the illusion of being at a rave party (because the people there are fake too).

Name the song something trance-y and meaningless like “Crying Soul” or “Chaos Airflow” (I’m not making those up–those are actually the names of two trance songs).

Other tips to keep in mind: 1) If it can be played live, you’re doing it wrong. 2) Make it generic enough that it can be mixed with another song by a DJ and seem like an entirely new creation. 3) If you plan on releasing an album of this stuff, make the artwork a picture of a bunch of planets or some other space phenomena (or, if outer space isn’t your thing, just knock up some trance-y abstract thing in Photoshop).

Put these tips to use, and you too can be famous and adored by high crowds and DJs alike. You can thank me for your success later.

How To Suck At MMOs

There are games, and then there are games. MMORPGs fall into that dubious second category, intent on convincing you that real life isn’t enough, that the world they create is so much more exciting and that you should devote all your time to becoming the best; eventually ruling over your nation / guild / clan / whatever. If you exist, you’ve probably heard of World of Warcraft, so you catch my drift. I can’t really give an inclusive list of how to be awesome at them, but I can explain in four basic steps how to suck at them.

Step 1: Constantly complain into the global chat about how much the game stinks and needs to be changed to be better (alternatively, complain about lazy or uncaring GMs).

Step 2: Name yourself something troll-baiting like JustinBieberRocks96 or MyLittlePony4Ever and go around begging people for gold.

Step 3: Be obnoxious. Make sure that “gay” is in every sentence you type. Be sure to cuss so much that Billie Joe Armstrong would wash his eyes out with soap.

Step 4: Insult the kind of music other people listen to and claim that Coldplay is the best band that has ever existed.

Follow these four basic steps, and you’ll be on the road to suck-nirvana in no time.

How Giant Eagle Works

Where I live, there is a grocery store chain called Giant Eagle that pretty much has a monopoly on the sale of small quantities of expensive items. If you live in Ohio or Pennsylvania, you know what I mean. Anyway, here’s how it works:

You walk in the front door and find yourself in the second coldest part of the store, the produce section. The produce section is always in complete disarray; and right when you think you know where everything is, they change it up on you to keep you in a constant state of confusion. Some guy is always there trying to convince you to try their corn (or peaches, or apples, or plums, or whatever the heck else is on “sale” that day).

The bakery is next to the produce isle, and you can occasionally get a free cookie or something from there, so that’s all fine and good.

But the deli is next to the bakery, presumably adding new meaning to the word “sweetbread.” You can take a ticket, go home, get a bath, walk the dog, make a cup of tea and come back before your number is called.

The frozen foods isle is as cold as the Arctic–be sure to bring winter clothes. I’m pretty sure the goods are stocked by Eskimos.

The “sales” really just mean, “Instead of selling you this product as an exorbitant price, we’ll knock a few cents off that and call it square.”

The express checkouts are for people with 10 items or less, but the trollfaces always show up with cartfulls of groceries. And, let’s be honest, does anyone use the self-checkouts?

If you’d like to shop at an actually normal grocery store, you could always go to Sam’s Club and buy 6 crates of chickens for $4 (or 12 gallons of milk for a buck). In PA, that’s how we roll.